"I ain't even white." |
This post is dedicated to a coworker that does everything in his power to keep our students out of the hands of the system and in the hands of those who love them. Keep your crown up.
I wish my parents didn't read my blog. I think I'd swear a lot more, but it'd be a little more honest. This year, I have encountered the system I don't know how many times. To my current knowledge, 4 of my students began the year in school and are now incarcerated. I have a countless number currently on probation or with a history of placement... Black males between the ages of 16 and 24. I can't describe how I feel. If anyone knows anything about me, even if it's just for one second, they know I feel a lot. I am passionate. The first thing anyone ever says to me after I answer their, "So what is your occupation?" question is, "I can tell you are passionate about what you do." That's apt. Fitting. I am passionate to a fault. I feel everything in extremes. I get mad at my students. Don't think I find them "blameless" or "faultless" when it comes to a lot of the things they say and do. I hold them accountable. I'm not a parent, but I can imagine that I treat my students similarly to how a parent would treat a child... I want to beat your behind for making stupid decisions, but dang if I won't fight til the death for you to not go to prison. Without disclosing particular information about an ongoing investigation, let me just tell you vaguely how I spent half of my 3rd period talking with one student, and the second half sobbing in my desk chair. To know that my student could potentially go to prison for upwards of 25 years breaks me. And we want him to come to school sober? On time? Tell him not to self-medicate? You best believe I told him... "Stop taking those pills... It's better if you stay busy... I heard you say you're depressed..." My student is at risk of losing his life in every sense of the word. What on earth am I supposed to do? I hate the system. I understand why it's there. I get why it was made in the first place. There are instances in which it works, where justice is served. But is it really just when it does not have my student's best interest in mind? I feel silly complaining about a system for which I have no suggestions or solutions. I just see what doesn't work. I can see it actively breaking down, ruining lives. I think a really smart person said something about how "When you fail, you just figured out a way that doesn't work." Einstein?** Whatever. All I know is that I know it's not working, and I don't want any more of my students in jail before they get a chance to live. Today I felt heavy. I was so saddened by the gravity of incarceration because it only means loss. To me, it is the loss of a student. To families, it is the loss of a son, brother, uncle, nephew. To the student himself, it is the loss of his future. And it is happening everywhere and always, and other than loving and loving and loving some more, I don't know what my part is. The question that obviously accompanies the discussion about "the system" is, "Well, but aren't they guilty?" I mean. The answer is "sometimes." Sometimes they sold drugs. Or had a gun. Or hit somebody. Or made poor choices. But I have to think that choices are made for reasons... and I'm not sure I blame them considering the reasoning skills they have been taught. The reason is normally that they're angry. The end. End of reasoning. What more excuse do they need when they have zero other coping mechanisms? But sometimes, they didn't do it. The answer is, no they are not guilty. They just aren't snitching. They aren't going to rat. Because if they do, they really aren't free... whether they go to jail or not. They'll never be free. They'll always have to watch their back, keep it moving, lay low. What kind of life is that? Just waiting for retaliation? Not a life my students choose... they choose jail over living in fear any day. Eff the system. Just eff all of it. For taking my students from me and for putting my students where they are in the first place. For segregation. For inequality. For all of it. I want to keep them safe, keep fighting for them. But the system is so much stronger than me... and so much louder. No matter how much I'm screaming for them to stop. **I fact-checked this later and the quote is by Thomas Edison. "I have not failed. I have found 10,000 ways that won't work." He is much more profound and eloquent than my version.
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AuthorA young woman trying to figure out why she matters and where she belongs in a struggling, urban culture. CategoriesArchives
November 2016
All stories, opinions, and suggestions are written strictly by the author of this blog, and do not reflect the opinions or stance of Communities in Schools of Philadelphia.
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